If you’re avoiding a hard conversation at work, you’re not alone. A study by coaching and training firm Bravely shows that 70 percent of employees avoid difficult conversations.
Most hope the issue will resolve itself, but that’s rarely the case. The longer the conversation festers, the more resentment tends to build, and the harder the discussion becomes once you’ve worked up the courage to start it. Fifty-three percent of employees handle "toxic" situations by ignoring them. That avoidance impacts your team.
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DOWNLOAD NOWHard conversations are an inevitable part of leadership and management. Maybe you need to deliver tough client or employee feedback, reset a stakeholder's expectations, or give a poor performance review. Whatever the situation, there are tactics you can leverage to navigate difficult conversations with employees effectively and formulate an action plan for how to move forward. Below are tips to help you get started.
How to Have Difficult Conversations with Employees
1. Prioritize Building Trust
Building trust and cultivating connections are activities you should practice daily. This will help you gain influence in your organization and develop mutual trust and understanding with your employees. When a tough conversation arises, it will be easier because your colleagues will be less likely to assume negative intent.
One effective way to build trust is by exercising emotional intelligence and projecting warmth and competence. This combination signals that you have good intentions and the skills to act on them, which can help you navigate challenging conversations with your team.
2. Consider the Conversation’s Layers
“We can divide any difficult conversation into three layers,” says Harvard Business School Professor Julie Battilana in the online course Power and Influence for Positive Impact. Those layers include:
- What happened
- How we feel about what happened
- How the incident intersects with or threatens each person’s identity
What Happened
Amid a hard conversation, it’s tempting to describe your perception of the situation as absolute truth and place blame on the other party. In doing so, you assume their intentions, which you can’t predict. Instead, speak from your perspective, acknowledge your role, and describe how the incident affected you. This creates a safe space for the other person to share how they perceived the situation and its impact on them.
How We Feel About What Happened
Difficult conversations tend to conjure strong emotions. It’s tempting to vent your frustrations or take your feelings out on others. While some may say to remove emotion from the conversation entirely, it’s better to address how both parties feel without judgment. You can then understand where the other person is coming from and reach a resolution.
Related: The Impact of Emotions in Negotiation
How the Incident Intersects with or Threatens Each Person’s Identity
Everyone has a self-image they’re trying to protect, and that often feels threatened during a difficult conversation. Perhaps you feel like someone is questioning your expertise or work ethic. It’s understandable that you might get defensive.
But, before the initial conversation, it's important to remember you’re not the only one in it; the other person is coming to it with their own identity issues. Consider whether the situation threatens both parties’ self-image. Once you understand what’s on the line for each of you, it’s easier to relate and find common ground.
By recognizing these three layers and shifting the discussion, you can have a more productive, honest conversation.
3. Actively Listen
Imagine you’re giving a performance review and offering constructive criticism. How do you hope the other person reacts? They might jump to justifying their actions to protect their self-image. In the process, it’s hard for them to internalize feedback because they’re trying to explain away the performance issues brought to their attention.
Instead, you’d want them to listen—which is what you should be doing during difficult conversations. Stop and aim to understand where the other person is coming from. If you don’t, ask clarifying questions. No matter what side of the conversation you’re on, it’s important to focus on what the other party is sharing rather than internally drafting an immediate response.
It’s helpful to summarize out loud what the other person is communicating. That shows you’re listening and can also help clarify any misunderstandings.
4. Speak in Specifics
During difficult conversations, the more specific you can be, the better. For the other person to change their behavior, they need to know how they could have been more effective in particular situations.
Focus on facts and examples instead of your employee’s personality or unique traits. Practicing this will help ensure your personal biases don’t creep into the conversation. When choosing examples, use more recent ones. Rather, if you’re delivering an annual performance review, don’t rehash issues from the year before. Present a specific situation from within the review window, detail its aftereffects, and share how you’d advise your employee to approach the situation moving forward.
5. Leverage the Reflective Leadership Model
Navigating difficult conversations requires effective leadership skills. One method to enhance yours is through the Reflective Leadership Model.
“Reflective leadership requires the continuous practice of reflection over time,” says HBS Professor Nien-hê Hsieh in the online course Leadership, Ethics, and Corporate Accountability. “This allows you to regularly examine and re-evaluate your decisions and responsibilities to practice, broaden, and deepen your skills and understanding, and apply this knowledge when analyzing present situations.”
The three elements of the Reflective Leadership Model are:
- Awareness: Recognizing your economic, legal, and ethical responsibilities in a situation
- Judgment: Taking into account arguments, biases, logic, and shared concepts that can cloud your judgment
- Action: Following through with action, armed with all the information needed to reach the best outcome
This model is essential to reflect on ethical decision-making and navigate difficult situations. It allows you to gain insight into your emotions, biases, and triggers before engaging in challenging discussions. Reflecting helps foster self-awareness, enabling you to better control your emotional responses and practice a more empathetic and constructive approach to resolving conflicts.
6. Brainstorm Solutions Together
You may come to the conversation with an end goal in mind. Yet, to make the most of the discussion, brainstorm a plan for how to move forward together. The process might surface stronger solutions to the problem or help you reach a better understanding.
By making the difficult conversation a collaborative one, you can both leave knowing you did your best to reach a resolution.
Navigate Difficult Conversations Effectively
Although you may be tempted to avoid hard conversations, they’ll only become more difficult with time. If you approach these discussions with mutual trust and honesty, avoid passing judgment, actively listen, and speak in specifics, you can reach a positive conclusion and make the process easier moving forward.
Are you interested in learning more about how you can develop your leadership skills to make an impact within your organization and professional relationships? Explore our six-week courses Power and Influence for Positive Impact and Leadership, Ethics, and Corporate Accountability, and download our free guide on how to become a more effective leader.
This post was updated on August 10, 2023. It was originally published on August 30, 2022.
